Thursday, November 23, 2006

Haunted

Does it happen only to me?? It’s really strange but a mere sound, colour, or smell, can revive in me the SAME feeling/impression I lived at a certain moment or period in the past. This can be horrible sometimes!!
I remember one day in MT where I used to work, one of my colleagues was scared when I just urged him to stop a song!! It was by Sami Youssef I remember. (Nothing to do with love songs --- sorry to disappoint you hihi).
I have nothing against Sami Youssef and still listen to him. But that particular song reminded me of painful times. That bad feeling of injustice, helplessness and unanswered questions. Now I avoid listening to it, because I’m afraid of having that gloomy vision of myself again… Me, sitting there, calm on the surface, agitated within, and helpless; horribly helpless.
Sometimes I hate the links my brain establishes. They just prevent me from doing what I want any time I want…and even from going where I want sometimes! Yes. This happens also with places. They are always linked to particular events in my mind... first times, last times, incidents, happy ones (with a smile) sad ones (wih a sigh, or just some kind of negative feeling)…
I know this needs therapy. I need to train myself on break those links that haunt me. But this needs time. And all I know for the moment is that I want my memory to be short.

I need to be free!

10 comments:

Meryem said...

Don't scare me! This doesn't need therapy, does it ? As far as I know, this is just NORMAL...

You can ask anyone and they'll tell you they've experienced on a regular basis the state you described...

Our brain is so made: it not only stores up events and incidents, it also builds up a complex network of feelings and sensations associated with that reminiscences...
Sometimes, it's pleasant to live again an old sensation just because there came a reminder- be it a smell, a sound, a place...- that directly refers back to that very sensation... And sometimes, it is a real torture to re-experience a painful feeling...

Speaking about songs, there is a song that my mom liked to use as a musical background in my birthdays when I was very young (centuries ago)... and I really find it very exhausting emotionally to listen to it, as it fills me with a weird melancholy exhilaration. Same thing with smells... There are some perfumes that are heavily loaded up with sensations and which have a strange effect on me: like a slap on the walls of my memory...

By the way, congrats for the blog. keep it up!

Selma said...

Hi Kaoutar!

I know how it feels to wish for amnesia, as I know those moments where u wish u were blind, deaf, or even dead (I guess I am talking about myself, for the only thing u actually ask for is a nice (short memory))...not to feel the way u feel after listening to a song (I banished all songs that could eventually (eventuellement in French, this is for Kaoutar please dont try to understand) make me remember my painful teenage years)... I think life would be easier if we had a remote control to speed up or skip the sad and painful moment and play and play again the lovely, joyful and unforgettable ones..there was even a movie about that by Tom Sandlers I think!

Well, I guess that this is simply how life is supposed to be...

Courage! and try to make joyful memories for you to remember later...

Anaconda said...

she really scared me! therapy ! come on ! if we need therapy for every single trouble, i guess, we will be working just to pay the psy!! i have my own list of tears-bringing songs, places, smells, sometimes people reminding me of such or such thing in the past..but what is weird is that all the things Selma said she wished, i did not wish them to forget ( apart from death from time to time, but what am i to do in my tomb until the doomsday comes?!!) so instead i always wished a little coma ! to skip 2 or 3 hours or an afternoon in my life..just to make that feeling go for a while. But my dear friends, i read in a book that the brain stores absolutely everything and if it happens you think you forgot something it is just you have put it somewhere in your brain far from your sight and if (oneday) you reorganize your brain, that thing may come to the surface. WE NEVER FORGET ! but i have a solution!! try to associate the same song, smell or whatever to something else (which will not make you cry everytime) it is easy!! as if you do rename a file in your computer ! try this technique :D i will be around to read your comments ! cheers !!

Meryem said...

Anaconda> 3ach mn chafk (mn 9rak)!! So you can still write, iwa why ur blog is still "haunted" only by net ghosts (just like mine to be fair)! waw ça fait du bien de te (=me) lire de nouveaux !
by the way I no longer show up in msn cause I don't have it at work anymore :-(
"try to associate the same song, smell or whatever to something else (which will not make you cry everytime) it is easy!! as if you do rename a file in your computer ! " --> raki wa3ra !! haha

(sorry kaoutar for turning your blog into a chat room :-P ;)... kayn chi 9hiwa b3da?

Biiiiz a toutes les deux!

Anaconda said...

Hello Red !
i deserted my blog...i dont feel like writing w had lcomment bssif li khraj :D i took a look at urs. u know what? either walliti jean paul sartre walla ana wallit mkalkha ! probably both ! :D je vais essayer de me ratraper!
Kouka ! zrebnalik 3la lblog :D

Lotfi said...

hi kaoutar!

J'inaugure ma participation a ton blog :) Je pense que le phénomène que tu décris est tout simplement humain et ne necessite pas de thérapie...la musique est censée adoucir les moeurs, et donc atténuer les sentiments que tu décris...néanmoins même si ce n'est pas le cas, ça signifie simplement que ton coeur fonctionne et qu'il est bien relié a ton cerveau, qui lui aussi a l'air de bien fonctionner :D ... biz

Kaoutar said...

Heyyyyyyyyyyyy!! Nice to see you all gathered here guys!!

First sorry for having scared you Meryem and Anaconda!! :) But When I said "therapy" I meant SELF-therapy, working on myself to break those links.

Now here are separate replies:

Meryem >>> NORMAL (I know), but can be PAINFUL:) (of course there are links that keep sweet memories alive, but I have the impression (at least now) that sad ones live longer --- don't forget that my post is in the "Moods" category :)

Selma >>> Yla "EVENTUELLEMENT" lqiti those remote controls, pleaaaaase keep one for me ;)

Anaconda >>> Who talked about a Psy a khti?? :) I don't trust them anyways (I might be criticised for that, but I really don't trust them).

By the way Ana, ur comment smells … something like Bachir’s book on NLP :p right? :D
(please keep writing)

Lotfi >>> lol wa justement !! Mon vrai problème c que mon cerveau et mon coeur fonctionnent beauuuucoup plus que nécessaire!! :)

Et finalement, mer7baaa w nhar kbir hada! Yla kant zzerba w chatrooms ghir hakka, just keep it this way;)

Bisous à tous:)

Selma said...

Seems like all many habayb are here! if I'm quite sure I know who Anaconda is, I can't wait to 'meet' meryem, Lotfi, off the grid and all the others who leave interesting comments to read!

Kaoutar, ur blog is a virtual source of joy!

Anonymous said...

Dear Kawtar,

Our life book is both pages of sweet souvenirs and a Pandora box…

Turning the pages can bring joy and smiles, or grief and sorrow…
Places, times and even odors refer to some of these pages, to some of these moments when we either smiled or cried…

This reference relation is due, I think, to a secret joint venture between our minds and hearts and evidence that both of them do work 24 hours a day…

If you consider joining a therapy for such a reference relation, do not forget to invite all human race (Bush not included) to join in…



Omar ER-ROUCH

Kaoutar said...

Selma >>> Thanks dear :) Iwa lehla ykhetti 3lina L7abayeb :D

Omar >>> Yes, u're right... w blaaa ma t7taj twessi 3la Bush :D