Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Better late than never?


Sorry but I saw you that way today. Just a flash ... quick but clear enough to make me shiver. You’ve grown old! That white colour you sometimes forgot, or of which you stubbornly denied the existence did conquer your hair… or what remained of it in fact. On that thing you were right fifty years ago when we were merrily walking down that street and you said, with cynical certainty, that this is the fate of all men.

You are here, not as strong as I last saw you. Life is strange and is capable of making the closest people strangers. I know you never wanted this to happen, but I did realize that time dared and left its traces on your face! Traces that show clearer and deeper when you smile; although you seldom smiled since you came in. You didn’t talk much either. You didn’t flood me with questions as you always did; maybe because you no longer have patience to deal with my endless, sometimes playful reticence to answer. But you had just to try, you know. Because I did change as well. Years have taught me a lot and one of the lessons I learned is to say what I need to say as long as it is possible for me to do it. Because if I don’t, I might have to wait half a century to get the chance to say – and it will be too late.

How endless were the times I imagined our improbable meeting. I would be stronger then; I wouldn’t silence my anger or hide my disappointment. Why be afraid? You’re gone anyway. I would shout, throw my anger at you, break, kick, and walk away. I would shake you and leave you speechless. Things you used time as a buffer to avoid. Doesn’t time bring forgiveness as they say? Doesn’t it bring oblivion? Wisdom? Or more probably doesn’t it take away power, determination, and courage?

Sorry, but I did see your trembling hands. Not of emotions but of age. You never trembled of emotions, even when you had to announce your departure – for good. You didn’t tremble or I simply didn’t see you tremble; just like you didn’t see me cry although my eyes were dry. Ah! Silly me! You probably didn’t tremble at all in fact, because you had that gift I never had: the gift of believing in the perfection of your soul.

I’m so sorry, for myself now, because when I did see you again, all I got from you is a bouquet of flowers, not even the kind I like – you don’t remember anyway, and an ocean of speechless tenderness showing from your eyes… but I doubt I will dive in it. I don’t know how to swim, you remember? And honestly, I can’t be sure that you would come to rescue me if ever I drown. You did let me down one day fifty years ago, and I’m not ready to risk my life again… my life which is ending soon, very soon anyway, because when you came today with your flowers and your ocean of tenderness, I was already getting ready to leave – for good. At last I got that chance I dreamt of for so long until I lost hope. You, standing there again, and I being the first to say it this time…


Goodbye.

15 comments:

Mr S said...

Goodbyes and endings are in fact just new beginnings. when we leave some one we somewhat leave with him or her part of ourselves and we keep on looking for it forever. We meet new people but we keep looking though, we find new things but not necessarilly the ones we left with others. As you said life is so strange.


I kind of see where you got that inspiration ;) keep up writing , you definitely have got something going on there.... Looking forward to the novel :D

anaconda said...

Though your face look paler, you still have that something in your eyes that makes one enable to look away from them…Time marked your face the way it does to everybody...But i know that your hearts will always blossom like a fresh rose...

During all this time, since I have said the regrettable word and left you behind, i have been wondering, questionning myself whether my departure served its reason. I know you have been thinking i was selfish...I would have been selfish if i stayed with you. But i knew it would be hard to convince you.

I left...there is no way to turn the hands of time and change it..I left...I did it for you. Alas, I am not the kind of men to let you lean on my shoulder, to open my arms and let you sleep secure there..and be feeling altogether comfortably numb.

I did not think that i would be spending a long time trying to convince myself that i did right. Anyway, what’s done is done...I guess i had a silly idea to show up with a tormented soul, a weird smile and a bouquet of flowers that you dont like...

I just had a silly will to start a new page on which would be written another story, in which i would not be the way I am and i would not do what i did. A story that would tell you about the real me, about the meaning of my silence, the codes of my looks and smiles...

I guess I came too late...Your eyes said that i am dead in your world..With my agonising heart, i came to fetch for your lively eyes..I needed to remember how sweet life used to be when there was you.

Kaoutar said...

Mr S. >>> Very true, and beautiful. But this unfortunately can't spare the one left behind that feeling of being... simply left behind!

You said you know??? (P.S/ This is just ink on paper;))

Kaoutar said...

Anaconda >>> OH MY GOD! The Ana I know is back! At last!! :)) very beautiful dear!! You got the deal my friend, gonna start that novel just to enjoy the one you will write :p

Anaconda said...

Kouki ! im not tottaly back....not the way i should at least! but im glad that your post pushed me to write...and i am sorry i made a silly mistake "enable" instead of "unable"...Is your character really leaving? if she's still got some time, let her write back to the old man (my character)! Interesting no?
Where is Red Planet? she cant miss this!

Mr S said...

Anaconda and Kaoutar you make an unbeatable duet. Well, what can I say... both of you definitely left me speechless. very creative and very beautiful.
¨

PS: I know...it s ink on paper that stimulates imagination ;D. Well inspiration is every where but it has to be somewhere. I will keep looking ;D

SABA said...

@Ana: just had time to read ur words! very deep, strong, and beautiful. makes u want to forget what happened and start all over again.. with some else... ;) coz u're damn healed!!

Saba wishing to be able to say (and really mean) these words someday..

SABA said...

@Kaoutar: seems like u have some issues with ur comments too! I dont know what's wrong with Blogspot lately, but i hope it will end soon!

Chapeau pr le post! tes mots sont profonds, et très bien choisis! merci ma bez!

Anaconda said...

Saba is brave more than she believes she is...She will say it one day, when she stops believing that she is weak..hey gurls...will anyone be free Saturday...ill be in Rabat.

Kaoutar said...

Saba >>> Thank you bez :)

Ana >>> L3yanaaaaaaaaaaa why don't u use the phone!! It's 11:40 pm and I've just checked my emails and comments!!!!! I'd have loved to see you! :(

Kaoutar said...

Mr. S >>> Thank you :)
... Looking for what ? :p

SABA said...

@Ana: nariiiiiiii!! i just saw ur cop and we're Monday! next time, plz use the phone! as Kaoutar said!!!! take care dear!

Anaconda said...

Are you crazy girls!! of course i would have called if i went to Rabat...I was making plans...but i didnt come..Ill call you once there. Love you Girls!

Kaoutar said...

Hihi, of course we are girly ;)

Hope to see you soon :)

Nader said...

عذرا لكم سأكتب بالعربية لأني لا أجد نفسي إلا فيها كيف لا و هي لغة القران و لغة الحس المرهف
إلى جانب اجهل لغة شكسبير و لست مفوها مثلكم في لغة موليير كن لجزالة التعبير و شرعيته دفعني دفعا للكتابة هاهنا

اتفق معك كوثر في ما قلته في روايتك فالحياة في صيرورتها تأخذنا في تسارعها حتى كدنا لا نستسيغ لها طعما و أدركتنا السنون و نحن ما زلنا نجري لهفا وراء سرابها فما أفقنا إلا على و قع حدث هزنا في أعماقنا أو لامس طرفا خفيا في قلوبنا

حقا لقد لامست في روايتك كبد الحقيقة فالإنسان متقلب في حياتنا هذه بين قرارات صعبة لا تهادن فإما و إما و ما أصعبها من قرارات فقط ذكرها يبعث في النفس شعورا بالانكسار وأحيانا بل كثيرا ما تشلك عن الاستمرار

قرارات يعمى فيها العقل تاركا للقلب دور العزاب و القلب المتقلب قلما يستقر على قراره فهو دائم الإلحاح إلحاحا خانقا لمراجعة خيارتنا و هذا هو بيت القصيد
آه منك أوجعتنا يا قلبنا هل استقررت على حال و هلا اخترت مال و هلا بالله اخذت القرار.

فضلا لا ترمي مقالتي في سلة المهملات

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